Many people misunderstand forgiveness. What follows is a concise excerpt from Douglas Wilson’s book, For A Glory And A Covering: A Practical Theology For Marriage (p. 94-95). It deals with one commonly misunderstood aspect, that forgiveness is a transaction. In other words, it’s not possible to dance the forgiveness tango alone.
Forgiveness comes from someone whose heart is disposed to kindness and tenderheartedness; we are therefore talking not merely about isolated acts of forgiveness, but also about a deep-rooted disposition to forgive. A forgiving heart is a character trait.
But a forgiving heart can be present and active and yet no forgiveness occurs. How is this possible? This is because forgiveness is a transaction. Forgiveness proper occurs when someone approaches someone else and acknowledges that what he did was wrong. He then asks for forgiveness, which is to ask that his behavior will not be held against him. When the person who was approached extends that promise, the transaction of forgiveness is completed. If the forgiver breaks that promise later (“You always do this, just like that time when you…”), then he has sinned against the forgiven, and so he needs to seek forgiveness…
Unfortunately, we don’t just live in a world where forgiveness is sought and extended whenever it is necessary. We must confront situations (all the time) when forgiveness is necessary but is not sought by the offending party. Now what? The first problem is manifest lack of repentance—we cannot forgive those who are defiant, however much we might like to. Because forgiveness is a transaction, if someone steals your car, you can’t run down the street after them, yelling out your forgiveness. But you can have a heart full of forgiveness, full to the brim, ready to overflow the moment repentance appears. Until that happens there is no forgiveness. We need to distinguish forgiveness in principle and forgiveness accomplished.
But suppose it does happen—the offending party approaches you and earnestly seeks forgiveness—and you discover that in the meantime, your brim-full heart of forgiveness has turned into a brim-full heart of bitterness and resentment. Now the transaction is possible on the other person’s end, but because of your bitterness, it is now not possible on your end…
Or here…